(from Chapter 3:)

Talking about feelings

  One of the most valuable skills we can teach our kids is the ability to recognize emotions and talk openly about them. Many people have difficulty doing this. It's especially challenging when the emotions are disapproved of or uncomfortable. When we're in the problem-free area with a child, it's much easier for both the parent and the child to talk about feelings than when things are hot with conflict. (It's like learning to ride a bike on a nice smooth road, rather than on one with stones and potholes.) This is a great way to get a child used to the idea that it's normal and desirable to talk about his feelings. Then when things get rough, the skills are already in place to deal with those uncomfortable feelings. This ability is a blessing for our children, the parents of the future.

(from Chapter 7:)

Example

Here's another example where the father hasn't yet learned about supportive understanding:

(Son comes home from school and is obviously angry.)
Child: I'm not going to school any more!
Father: What kind of attitude is that?
Child: I hate my teacher!
Father: Well, you can't like everyone in life.
Child: I'm just not going!
Father: Of course you are! How can you get a good job later if you don't go to school?
Child: (mutters something and disappears)

Again, try role playing this short sequence with someone. What sorts of feelings is the "child" left with afterwards? Does he feel understood and taken seriously? Does he feel his father is preaching to him? That he's being ordered around?

Let's have a look at the same situation, but now the father knows about supportive understanding:

(Son comes home from school and is obviously angry.)
Child: I'm not going to school any more!
Father: You're really bothered about something!
Child: Yeah, and I hate my teacher most of all.
Father: And you're especially annoyed at him.
Child: Yeah, he's really unfair.
Father: So something he did feels unjust to you.
Child: Right. We didn't have any gym today.
Father: Oh – you expected to have gym but then you didn't.
Child: Just because some of the other kids were bad.
Father: So all of you got punished for something a few kids did.
Child: Yeah! That's really unfair!
Father: You were really disappointed not to have gym today.
Child: Yeah. I think I'll talk to him about that tomorrow. He shouldn't punish all of us when only a few kids did something wrong! (He then trots off and seems perfectly okay.)